Are you unwittingly creating a monster?
An expert has shared three key ways you can reduce the likelihood of your child turning into a narcissist, a term typically applied to someone whose sense of self hinges on being seen as superior, special or entitled.
Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Shahrzad Jalali told The Post that while narcissistic tendencies develop in early childhood, it’s not an immediate cause for concern that they’ll develop narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD.
Clinically speaking, NPD is a pattern of grandiosity, lack of empathy, and a deep need for admiration.
“A young child is naturally self-focused; that’s how the ego forms,” she said.
“The issue isn’t that a child starts off thinking the world revolves around them; it’s whether they stay there.”
Jalali shared that by middle childhood, children should be able to tolerate frustration, hear “no,” and recognize that others have their own inner worlds.
“When that doesn’t develop, the self becomes more rigid, and that’s where narcissistic patterns begin to take hold,” she said.
Jalali shared three areas that parents can focus on to avoid a narcissistic turn.
Balance boundaries with emotional attunement
A primary contributor to narcissistic traits is when a child learns that rules don’t apply to them — making consistent boundaries and personal accountability absolutely critical.
Jalali maintains that boundaries are essential but are only effective when paired with connection.
“Without boundaries, a child doesn’t encounter reality, and the ego can become inflated. But without emotional attunement, boundaries can turn into shame,” said Jalali.
“‘I care about you, and this still isn’t okay.’ That’s what teaches both self-worth and responsibility.”
Value effort over outcomes
The second strategy to avoid sowing the seeds of NPD in children is to acknowledge effort and values over outcomes.
“It’s a healthier framework because it protects against becoming addicted to approval. If a child only feels seen when they succeed, they don’t develop a stable sense of self; they develop a performance,” said Jalali.
She added that valuing effort allows a child to feel worthy even when they fall short.
“In contrast, children who internalize the idea that they are what they achieve often grow into adults who fear failure, sacrifice well-being to maintain an image, and over-identify with how they perform rather than who they are,” she told The Post.
Cultivate empathy
The third tactic parents can employ to reduce the likelihood of NPD in children is the cultivation of empathy
While Jalali believes that empathy can be taught, she insists it cannot be learned through instruction alone.
“Empathy develops when a child experiences being understood,” she explained. “When their emotions are acknowledged and held, they begin to recognize those same emotional states in others.”
Jalali said that asking questions and practicing perspective-taking with children helps them understand others’ internal experiences.
“Questions like, ‘What do you think that felt like for them?’ gradually expand a child’s awareness beyond themselves,” she said.
“Over time, they begin to hold both their own experience and someone else’s at once. That’s where empathy deepens.”
According to Jalali, parents have a great deal of influence on whether their child develops NPD, but she maintains that neglect can be as damaging as excessive praise.
“It’s not just overpraising that creates narcissism. I see it just as often in children who feel unseen, compared, or emotionally alone. Narcissism is rarely true confidence. It’s often a structure built to protect something more fragile underneath.”
To ensure parents are delivering both praise and criticism in healthy ways, Jalali underscores the importance of leading with accuracy rather than exaggeration.
“Children don’t need to be told they’re the best. They need to be seen clearly,” she said.
“Praise effort and process, not superiority, and keep criticism focused on behavior, not identity.”
She recommends “You worked so hard” over “You’re amazing,” as well as “That hurt someone, let’s look at it” in lieu of “You’re selfish.”
Jalali said this type of dialogue keeps a child connected to themselves, even and especially when they make a mistake.
Jalali’s advice to parents concerned about bringing up a tiny tyrant?
“Stop trying to raise a ‘confident’ child,” she said.
Instead, she recommends focusing on bringing up a kid who can “hear ‘no’ without falling apart, feel hurt without shutting down, and who recognizes that they matter — and so do other people.”
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