Biblical formula for choosing spouse offers lessons that modern dating overlooks

Maybe this is the most important question we will receive from our children and grandchildren: “How do I know that he (or she) is the one?” 

The Bible – our great guidebook – has the answer. 

In Genesis 24, Abraham sends his servant Eliezer to find a wife for his son Isaac. 

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His only instruction? Go to Haran, the place where Abraham once “made souls.” (See the video at the top of this article.) 

It was a culture open to God. That’s trait No. 1. Look for a spouse in a good place.   

Eliezer arrives and sees Rebecca. She’s “very fair to look upon” — that’s trait No. 2. 

Then he watches her draw water not just for him, but for all his camels — an exhausting and generous act. That’s trait No. 3: generosity. 

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On the basis of these three — and only three — characteristics, Eliezer decides: She’s the one.

Rebecca, in turn, is told only two things about Isaac. 

“The Torah gives us an instructive sequence: ‘Isaac married her. She became his wife. And he loved her.’”

He’s wealthy, which means he can provide. And he loves God, which means he has a strong set of values. 

She agrees to marry him.

Then the Torah gives us an instructive sequence: “Isaac married her. She became his wife. And he loved her.”

As Isaac and Rebecca had the best marriage in the Bible, their formula for marital happiness is worthy of our reflection.

Identify a few essential traits. Get married. Become a spouse through continual acts of giving. Then love will follow and continually grow. 

“We don’t give to those we love; we love those to whom we give.”

The Hebrew language supports this. The root of ahava — love — is hav, meaning “to give.” 

Those of us who have enjoyed or even just observed long, happy and loving relationships know why: We don’t give to those we love; we love those to whom we give. 

We don’t “fall in love.” We cultivate it. 

Modern culture says the opposite. 

Waiting until age 30 to marry and have children, for example, increases infertility risks, both for women and men, to varying extents. 

Casual dating often leads to casual sex, which is so unsatisfying that we are now in what sociologists call a “sexual recession,” in which young men prefer video games (particularly new releases) to sex. 

Repeated rejection causes long-term emotional wear that the body recognizes as physical pain. 

In the model cited earlier, people “test” compatibility for years. A 2016 Barna study found that 84% of couples who live together before marriage do so to check for compatibility. 

And yet, according to the Institute for Family Studies, the No. 1 reason for divorce? “Basic incompatibility.” 

When it comes to advising our children and grandchildren about a happy marriage, the Bible offers the now-proven formula. 

Throw out the 100-item checklists. 

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It doesn’t matter if the young woman prefers warm-weather vacations over cold-weather vacations. 

It doesn’t matter if the young man’s friends are funny.  

If the couple has a foundation for love, which can be found in two or three core characteristics, they might think about getting those church bells ready to ring — as they are set for a wonderful marriage. 

Mark Gerson’s new book is “God Was Right: How Modern Social Science Proves the Torah Is True,” published by BenBella Books and distributed by Simon & Schuster (June 2025). This article is part of a series featured exclusively by Fox News Digital.