Dear Abby: I’ve told her to lose weight, but she won’t listen, would a letter be better?

DEAR ABBY: My friend of many years, whom I consider to truly be part of the family, has made food the only thing that makes her happy. Besides my husband, she’s all I have left. She went to a doctor a couple years ago who told her she must lose weight, but she ended up gaining more. 

I’ve tried talking to her, but she says I am preaching to the choir. It doesn’t help that her husband is also obese. They enjoy eating out constantly. She has many physical things wrong with her, most of which could be helped greatly by losing at least 80 pounds.

I want to write her a letter and tell her how hard it is watching her kill herself by not trying to help herself. She has a heart problem, and the extra weight certainly is not helping it. She has several other problems, too. She has aches and pains everywhere — her knees hurt, her feet hurt and her liver is not doing well from all the medications. Getting rid of most of the excess weight would definitely help her get around and make her healthier. It most likely would even get her off some of the medications. 

I wish I could write her and tell her that her daughter, son, husband, brother, sister-in-law, and especially her 7-year-old granddaughter and I really need her and want her to be around. Talking to her doesn’t help, so do you think a letter would be inappropriate? — STATING MY CASE IN IDAHO

DEAR STATING: I am going to assume that you have already told this friend all the things you have in your letter to me. I am not sure how helpful it would be to put those thoughts in a letter. Your friend and her husband have a ritual they practice together — eating out. Unless both of them are willing to recognize it is causing serious health problems and are willing to do something about it, nothing will change. 

There is a group that has been mentioned in this column many times called Overeaters Anonymous. It is a self-help group with a long and successful history. In these meetings there is no weighing, no shaming, no dues or fees for members. (They are self-supporting through their own contributions.) While it might not be something your friend is willing to explore, it might make you feel better to suggest this to her if she’s unaware of it. The website is oa.org.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has accused me of removing personal papers from her file cabinet. I have never gone into her file cabinet, nor have I ever removed any papers. This accusation is extremely hurtful. It has strained our relationship. I place great emphasis on honesty and integrity. I am now considering taking a polygraph test to validate my defense. Should I follow through or just let it go? — HONEST DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Let it go. A polygraph test has a wide margin of error, so it wouldn’t provide conclusive proof anyway. Instead, try to understand that your mother’s accusation may come from frustration with herself at having misplaced the papers. She was wrong to take it out on you, but please show that you can be more forgiving than she has been.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.