Dear Abby: My favorite aunt died and her children never told me

DEAR ABBY: My favorite aunt was dying. Her daughter is my favorite cousin, so I texted her almost every day with encouragement. When the doctor said the end was near, I backed off messaging to give the family space to themselves. 

Thirteen days later, I received a text with a photograph of my aunt’s grave. Ensuing texts and phone calls indicated that my cousin’s older brother had grandstanded and taken over. Questions about her service and burial went unanswered. I expressed dismay; our family had been the first to call about almost everything. 

I have read a great deal about forgiveness — when to offer it, and when to forgive the messenger but not the action. That is the stance I have taken. My once-beloved cousin responds as if all is well between us, though she has asked twice if I would rather she stop communicating, given that I rarely respond. Twice I have said, “That is up to you.” 

Admittedly, I would love some closure on this, one way or the other. In my youth, I would have forgiven it all, probably even apologized for her “pain” while subjugating my own. I am not in that frame of mind now. Do I forgive? Forget? Move on? — BEWILDERED IN FLORIDA

DEAR BEWILDERED: What happened was not your cousin’s fault; the fault lies with her grandstanding brother. Do not allow this to interfere with your formerly loving relationship with her. By all means, forgive and move on. Also, put aside your passive-aggressive attitude. When people are grieving a death, even one that is expected, they are usually distracted, in pain and not thinking about how their actions affect others.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 42-year-old son, “Wade,” who has anxiety, depression and a wild temper. He receives minimal, below-poverty-level disability payments. Wade’s father and I give him money when he says he’s hungry and out of food. (We are both retired.) Wade claims his lack of money is “the system’s” fault. 

Wade also imagines he can earn a living in the music industry. I am beyond tired of this. I’m a retired teacher. How can I help our son to become independent? Wade says our family is “broken” and doesn’t work “as a team.” I have my own bills to pay. — OVER HIM IN TEXAS

DEAR OVER HIM: If Wade defines “working as a team” to mean he can hit you up for money any time he wants, I beg to differ. If he were meant to be a success in the youth-oriented music business, his career would have been in full swing by the time he was 30. 

Encourage Wade to find a way to supplement his disability payments so his cupboard won’t be bare at the end of the month, and let him know firmly that you won’t be giving him more handouts. Your family isn’t broken; the only thing that’s broke is your son. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.