Heidelberg is so safe that if I collapse, a doctor will trip over me on their way to lunch

When I moved into my suburb 10 years ago, I was in my 50s and still feeling vibrant, dare I say, invincible. Aches and pains and procedures were not at the forefront of my mind. But how fortuitous, a decade later, that I had moved into Melbourne’s premier medical precinct.

Heidelberg has hospitals, medical centres, pathologists and screening clinics galore. I know because I’ve been to many of them. How convenient. I’ve even walked to emergency, rather than call an ambulance because it was quicker. And when it all turned out to be nothing, or at least minor, I walked back home again.

All of that makes Heidelberg a safe suburb to live in. If I collapse on the pavement, I can be sure that within seconds a doctor or nurse will walk past on their way to getting a coffee.

And the safety of my suburb doesn’t end there. I live around the corner from Heidelberg Court and Heidelberg Police Station. No one’s breaking into my place. The proximity of those institutions makes for a procession of interesting characters past my door on the way to court in the morning, though it’s sometimes hard to differentiate the lawyers from their clients.

Recently, someone walking by asked if they could use the hose to get water to brush their teeth – no doubt hoping to impress the judge. It got me thinking, I could set up a tie-hire stall in my driveway and earn a little extra cash. Ten bucks an hour for a tie seems a reasonable fee. Maybe shoe shine for another $10.

Of course, Heidelberg is far more than just hospitals and medical centres, there’s the river and Yarra Trail bike paths, the start of the Banyule Flats – plenty of nature, though look out for the snakes from October to March. And down near the Flats, I reckon we’ve got more footy ovals in a single square kilometre than anywhere else in Melbourne.

One of my sons played for the Heidelberg Tigers when he was very young, and they had the Auskick sessions on Friday evenings. There wasn’t a parent who complained for a second about having to take their kid down there because the bar at the clubhouse was open. For a parent ending the working week, the relaxed atmosphere, jovial conversation and flowing amber fluid was a godsend.

One of the ovals was damaged recently. You may have read about it. Not by floods, though we’ve had plenty of them, or by an infestation of pests eating the grass. But a sinkhole. Yes, Heidelberg has its own sinkhole, allegedly a result of some of the massive tunnelling work that’s going on for the North East link. I don’t think the sinkhole was part of the plan. No-one was injured, no one fell into it but I suspect it swallowed up Leo’s Supermarket. Leo’s was a local institution, the best supermarket in Melbourne, in my humble opinion, but it is no more. Disappearing around the time the sinkhole arrived. Can’t be coincidence. The sinkhole far from being the only sign of the tunnelling. Paths are closed, road diversions everywhere. Short-term pain for long-term gain they say. I hope they’re right.

Just up the road from the court and police station is a building that houses the quaint Heidelberg Historical Society, open for three hours every Sunday thanks to passionate volunteers. I popped in there once, with my daughter, who had to do a school project for her German class and decided to find out the link between our suburb and the German city of the same name.

They told us that the name came about because the land reminded someone of the German Heidelberg, which he had visited or lived in or something. There was a move to change the name during World War I to something less German but I guess it turned out to be too difficult.

But when it comes to history and Heidelberg, there’s no doubt that it is the Heidelberg School, the famous 19th century art movement, that is at the forefront of people’s minds. Well, maybe not forefront, because I reckon if you asked most locals doing their shopping what they think about the Heidelberg School, they’ll reply, “It’s good. My kids go there.” That aside, there are murals and visual reminders up and down the main strip, Burgundy Street, and Heide Museum of Modern Art is nearby. But even that is in neighbouring Bulleen. I guess they decided Bully might not be an appropriate name.

Another neighbouring suburb is Heidelberg West. Whatever you do, don’t confuse us with them. We’re happy to drive through Heidelberg West on our way to Northcote and Thornbury.

Of course, if you’re a Melburnian you’ll want to know about the food and coffee in Heidelberg. We have our fair share of cafes, none better than The Alleyway, which has the best egg and bacon roll (or should I say, focaccia) for miles around. And our hidden gem is one of the best Italian restaurants in Melbourne, Little Black Pig and Sons, but don’t tell anyone – it’s hard enough to get a table on a Friday or Saturday night.

Gotta go now. There’s someone knocking on my door. I think they need a tie.

Nicolas Brasch is a writer and teacher of writing at Swinburne University.