Markets 
Jetstar has been copping it for days since it was revealed the airline would change its rules for carry-on baggage and impose additional costs. I’m begging the carrier to treat this storm of consumer outrage like a turbulent flight. Hold your breath and get through it – we’ll be back on the ground before you know it.
In fact, I urge Jetstar to go further. Why not bring in a swag of user-pays fees? I know, you’re asking how the airline could do this to you, but the real question is: What are you going to do about it? The answer for me is: precisely nothing.
I think Jetstar should be applauded for clearly communicating this change, and waiting to implement it until well after the summer peak period. As the airline rightly points out, other budget airlines around the world follow a similar model. Jetstar hasn’t introduced these additional fees, only adopted them.
Honestly, I get scared on the plane. I need the invisible hand of the market to hold mine for comfort when we take off and land. Let me pay more to make this experience more comfortable … for me.
Add another fee, for instance, to recline your seat. That way, the people sitting in front of me will stop thinking they’re entitled to crush my knees – for free. And they might stop wasting time by summoning a flight attendant to explain that their seat isn’t broken. No, that resistance – that crunching sound – is indeed my knees.
I will, of course, pay to recline my own seat. It’s my knees, you see.
And by all means, keep charging us to select a seat before check-in. But why not add on another tier to ensure it won’t be next to some little bugger sitting on their parent’s lap? For free! Better yet, make the babies buy their own seats. They’ll have to learn how it all works eventually.
Jetstar’s priority carry-on luggage is not all that dissimilar to a rival airline’s priority boarding. Both let you board early, via a special lane, allowing more time to sit on the plane and wait for lower-status passengers to take their seats so we can all take off.
And why not introduce a tier for priority disembarking? Charge people who stand up as soon as the seatbelt light goes out to wait in the aisle for the doors to open. I’d pay for that, sure. I don’t have time to wait for the rest of them. I’m the only one on this flight who actually has places to be.
And we already have the option of paying extra to change your flight’s timing after booking. How about an additional charge to ensure it takes off as scheduled? (Depending on availability, of course.)
If enough passengers are willing to pay for the extra jet fuel, let Sydney-bound pilots fly as fast as possible if – on the ground – a delayed departure competes with the airport’s 11pm curfew.
Let me pay extra to bring a powerbank big enough to keep my myriad hand-held electronic devices charged. And I’ll pay, too, so I don’t have to put them in flight mode. Or how much would it cost to turn a blind eye while I hit my vape in the toot?
Some things, though, are deadly serious. Safety fits this category like a piece of luggage under 56 x 36 x 23cm fits in the overhead locker when you’ve pre-purchased priority carry-on (and they haven’t already filled the space by the time you board).
As a safety-conscious passenger, I wonder about some of the people who fork out for user-pays access to the exit-row seat and its slightly increased legroom. That privilege comes with responsibility, after all. If you are the occupier of that seat, in the unlikely event of a midair incident requiring an emergency landing, you may be called upon to assist in the evacuation of the plane – regardless of how much you’ve paid.
I’ll still pay for it. The extra cost and responsibility will be worth it, knowing that one day I might be chosen. After the masks have descended and the pilots have executed their miracle landing, I’ll be there: dependable and standing in that exit row, waiting to charge every other passenger $30 to go down my slide.
Jack Gramenz is a breaking news reporter at The Sydney Morning Herald.
Jack Gramenz is a breaking news reporter at The Sydney Morning Herald.Connect via email.From our partners
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