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There aren’t a lot of blokes around who would say, openly and unabashedly, that they are seeking a submissive wife. So it was quite startling to see a groom say just this, out loud, on Married at First Sight.
As the other men present raised their eyebrows and the experts gasped, one group of women watching rolled their eyes with recognition: churchgoers.
For those unfamiliar with MAFS, which screens on Nine, owner of this masthead, this season features a 30-year-old Christian property investor, Tyson Gordon, paired with a highly successful 32-year-old real estate agent, Stephanie Marshall. They are both driven, attractive, come from Queensland, hold conservative views and support Donald Trump – you’d imagine this could be a sweet match.
But they clashed immediately. Stephanie, who is no feminist, finds Tyson arrogant and sexist. Tyson says she is too old, too “dominant”, and not the “submissive type”.
As someone who has spent decades trying to fathom why swaths of male-led churches still adhere to the olde worlde doctrine of headship – where a man is the head of a woman, and the woman is to submit to him – it fascinates me to see this belief aired in a mainstream forum. Because it’s very difficult to explain without sounding a bit … odd.
Hosts on MAFS and its satellite show, After the Dinner Party, repeatedly asked Tyson to try.
Laura Byrne cited a dictionary: “Submissive means compliant and obedient. Is that what you want?”
Tyson: “I think I would like to be the leader of the house.”
Laura: “Do you want someone who is obedient?”
Tyson: “Would you say that is controlling, being the leader of the house?”
Laura: “If you want someone who is obedient, yes, it’s controlling. And you want a dog.”
Tyson said: “Maybe that’s what I want.” But then flipped: “I don’t want a literal dog. I want to be the man of the house. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that … I don’t mean literally put a leash. I don’t want my wife to feel like a dog or a slave but I do like these traditional values.” Phew.
It gave me flashbacks to the many times I have spoken to conservative church men about their belief that women should submit to male “headship” in the church and home. Not because they would speak as crudely, bluntly or offensively as Tyson but because they use words like “submit” without clocking how this sounds. I have repeatedly been told the idea is women submit “voluntarily”, in a nice way – and I’ve been reprimanded for suggesting this might also be about power. Obedience. Or excluding women from positions of authority. No, no, they say, men lead women in a “sacrificial” way.
It’s, like, fun. Freeing. Try it.
I have often wondered how these blokes could explain this doctrine, without jargon, in the post office, the pub, to strangers, as something healthy and not limiting and retro.
And now I am watching it on my television.
When it was suggested that the only place Tyson could find a woman keen on submission was church, he responded: “That’s a good way of looking at it. I agree, actually.”
But when I ran this past Jen Barker, the founder of Fixing Her Eyes, an independent online community of Australian Christian women, she baulked at the suggestion that the church should be a repository of archaic views: “Women in the church aren’t there to bow to a man’s needs – or fulfil someone’s desire for hierarchy. Women are made in the image of God, co-heirs of the kingdom, gifted by the Spirit, and partners in the gospel of Jesus. It is not biblical to tell women to submit to men’s authority. As with any text, context is key. Tyson’s view of Christian women is warped and patriarchal. Christian men are called to mutual submission, despite what some leaders in the church claim.”
Now Social Services Minister Tanya Plibersek has slammed the show for starring Tyson, posting on Instagram: “When men who idolise ‘submissive’ and ‘obedient’ women are normalised on prime-time TV, it means coercive control is given a national platform … Obedience is not a relationship preference. It’s about exerting power and control over women. We know that exerting power and control too often leads to violence.”
I have full sympathy with this argument. As I have reported previously, there is plenty of evidence to suggest the teaching of headship can enable domestic violence, buoying perpetrators and muzzling victims.
But there is a case for platforming Tyson Gordon – to drag these views into the light. They are gaining traction among young men, with a global survey finding Gen Z males were twice as likely as Baby Boomer blokes to have “traditional” views on decision-making in a marriage. It’s not just trashy reality TV. Tyson’s stance is also still prominent in many churches. A 2023 ANU study found “religious service attendance was associated with more patriarchal beliefs about gender roles”.
Male power over women is both normalised and hidden in religious communities across Australia – including by the wealthy, well-populated Sydney Anglican diocese.
By hidden I mean that while maintaining the headship of men is a core belief – fought for and adhered to at great cost in places like Sydney – I have long been aware that those who disagree have slender prospects of promotion. But it is also, weirdly, barely spoken about in public. I have asked ministers to articulate headship on national TV, only to have them shrug: “Oh, we don’t talk about that much.” They do, but what they don’t want is precisely the reaction Tyson has had: disbelief, rejection, ridicule, questioning.
It’s something they believe “the world”, tainted as it is by feminism, will not understand.
Jen Barker argues “the Gospel has been distorted” by these men, “by poor reading of scripture”.
Yes, there are verses in the thousands-year-old Bible telling women to submit to their husbands as their head. There are also verses calling for mutual submission, underpinned by a selfless love, kindness, humility, compassion, gentleness and respect.
While I agree coercion is ugly and dangerous, the airing and challenging of these views is important. Especially for women who are regularly told that while men insisting on female submission looks, sounds and smells like control, it is somehow godly or traditional or the way things are meant to be.
Julia Baird is a journalist, author and regular columnist. Her latest book is Bright Shining: How grace changes everything.
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Julia Baird is a journalist, author and regular columnist. Her latest book is Bright Shining: how grace changes everything.Connect via X, Facebook or email.From our partners
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