Dear Abby: Do I need to forgive my abusive parents?

DEAR ABBY: My earliest memories are of my father molesting me when I was 4, 5 and 6. My mother knew. I had appendicitis when I was 4, and she ignored my symptoms for days. My appendix burst when they tried to remove it. My father took me for “drives” during which he molested me. He would threaten me with death, so the abuse continued. 

I am the youngest daughter. My wonderful brother understands and has always been my witness and protector, but since Mother died, my older sisters are rewriting history. They endlessly eulogize this malevolent, narcissistic woman. What can I do? People say I should forgive my parents, but my parents were evil! They say it will give me peace. How? — SURVIVED IN UTAH

DEAR SURVIVED: The first step toward forgiving people who have hurt us is wanting to. Some folks manage to forgive when the burden of hatred becomes so painful they must act. Your father may have thought what he was doing was allowable because he was abused as a child. (A significant number of molesters were.) This, however, does not absolve him; what he did was evil. That your mother turned a blind eye (for financial or whatever reason) is beyond the pale. 

Because you would like to take a step toward achieving peace, the surest way would be to contact a support resource like RAINN (rainn.org) or consult a licensed psychotherapist. I hope you may have already received some counseling to help you cope with what happened to you, but it’s never too late. It may take time, but it would be worthwhile. 

DEAR ABBY: Was there ever a time in history when people honored committed plans with others? It seems like in today’s world, many people say yes to a date for a meeting, a family event or even just to hang out, but at the last minute, something else comes up. It happens in corporate and family life. 

Am I a sap for being committed to my word? I understand if a family illness or historic family event comes along unexpectedly, but I’m talking about small things — like picking up someone at the airport at the last minute when other means of transportation are available. 

I’m trying hard to build a team, and there is always someone who throws a wrench into the plans. This last time, it cost the company money. I will not confront anyone and ruin what strides I have already made. However, I’m wondering if this is a new trend I need to adjust to or just certain people. Did my mom teach me manners that no longer exist? — COMMITTED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR COMMITTED: Socially, manners have become less rigid since you and I learned the rules of etiquette. However, there is a difference between social and business manners. If I were trying to build a team and someone flaked out on me twice without a good excuse, I’d look further afield and find someone else to be on my team. Please consider it. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.