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DEAR ABBY: I married when I was 20 and my husband was 32. I grew up with a conservative view of marriage, so in a sense, I believed marrying early would grant me the most freedom as a woman. We have been married for five years and have a child.
Over the years, many people have offered unsolicited advice about how I “missed out on my 20s,” or how our age gap is “disturbing.” I have done my best to brush off these comments, but as I’ve grown and my views about life have evolved, these negative sentiments are becoming constant background voices in my head.
Our marriage has been generally good except for the expected stressors that come with being parents and other unforeseen struggles. There is also a big disconnect in our intimate life, and I wonder if it is due to our age gap. I don’t know if we are in love or if my view on feeling in love has been romanticized by TV show depictions. My husband is kind, and he has given me the space to become the person I am today.
My question is: How do I deal with these nagging thoughts that I have missed out on life as a single woman? Am I being ungrateful for the kind and loyal husband I have, or is it OK to explore the possibility of returning to a single life and eventually, maybe, finding love again? — DREAMING OF POSSIBILITIES
DEAR DREAMING: Have you expressed these thoughts to your husband? If he’s as kind as you say, he should be willing to show you the romance you feel you’ve missed out on. I don’t recommend looking for adventure outside the marriage until the two of you have made a sincere effort to satisfy these urges together. If you’re not sure where to start, a licensed couples counselor may be of help.
DEAR ABBY: I work as a sports reporter, and I have been in an on-and-off relationship with my co-worker. We are both out gay men, but I am struggling to figure out how to take our relationship to the next level. We both enjoy going on cute dates at local sporting events and always get excited when the team puts us on the KissCam. What can I do to convince him that I am boyfriend material and even future husband material? — LOOKING AHEAD IN INDIANA
DEAR LOOKING: Because you and your co-worker have been dating consistently and kissing on camera, many people in your community may already assume you are a couple. It seems the time has come for a conversation with him about your relationship and whether he thinks there might be a future for the two of you. Even if his answer is no, it is important for you to know if the feelings are mutual. Tell him teams do better than individual players, and you hope that by speaking up you won’t strike out.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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