Dear Abby: My adult son blames me for his estranged father who beat him as a child

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been separated for 15 years. Our two grown children are on the spectrum. For the past two years, our daughter has lived with her father because she wouldn’t agree to be part of the team at my home and abide by the basic rules: Pick up after yourself, take your animal out, flush the toilet, etc. 

Now Dad has a girlfriend, and he won’t spend any time with his daughter alone without his girlfriend. He also blames me because his son doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. Our son refuses to see him because his father beat him when he was 12. My son is 25 now, but he also blames me for what happened. Please help me understand how I can help bridge this gap. — CHALLENGED MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CHALLENGED MOM: You cannot bridge a gap you didn’t create. You can, however, stay out of the line of fire. Because someone is on the spectrum does not mean they are unable to function. Your daughter will have to accept the rules of the house she lives in, and, if that means she, her father and the girlfriend are a family of three, she’ll have to learn to accept it. 

As for your son, you are not to blame for a beating your estranged husband administered when the boy was 12. If your son is still living with you, stand up for yourself and tell him that if he can’t behave respectfully, he will have to pack his bags and go. (At that point you should start living your own life.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been a shuttle driver for 10 years. One customer has been somewhat of a regular, together with his wife, for about four years. I have provided quality service during all that time. His wife has graciously thanked me for the rides and often tells me how much they value my service. 

I have sometimes driven them to the airport and home in dangerous driving conditions. He is retired, and his wife works from home as a lawyer. They have a second home in warmer weather. They obviously are not hurting for money. Unfortunately, the husband is the one who pays the fare, and, when he does, he gives me a $2.00 tip. That’s a whopping 3.17% tip on a $63.00 fare. 

I consider anything under 10% cheap and insulting unless the customer can’t afford even that much, or any amount, which sometimes happens. I don’t believe in pressuring my customers for tips, so I haven’t mentioned it to either of them. My average tip is about 15%, and I often receive more than 25%. How would you deal with this? — DRIVING AN EASY BARGAIN

DEAR DRIVING: Let me phrase it this way: I would remember that I was in a service business, dealing with many kinds of people — some more generous than others. Then I would try to decide whether I wanted to be as available to the stingy ones.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.