Dear Abby: My dad’s wife put doughnuts in his mouth after he had a stroke instead of calling 911 — now I’m trying to mourn him without anger

DEAR ABBY: My brothers and I loved our father. He was an alcoholic until he was 37. After he stopped drinking, we became the best of friends. He was both mother and father to me, and I was so proud of him. 

Dad remarried 33 years later to a woman I can only describe as diabolical. At first, “Selma” was full of compliments and smiles toward us. After they married, my father’s glow and his relationships with us turned cold and clinical. He could call us only from his car when he was alone. Holiday celebrations stopped, and Sunday family dinners stopped, too. 

When Dad had a serious stroke, instead of calling 911, Selma went to a neighbor’s house to ask what she should do. Then she grabbed two doughnuts and put them in his mouth. Dad survived. After he returned from rehabilitation, my brother and I had arranged to have a chairlift installed because of the number of steps in his home. Selma went ballistic! She threatened Dad that if he allowed us to visit or have the lift installed, she would leave him. 

Three weeks later, Dad had a catastrophic stroke and was flown to a new hospital. We weren’t informed until a day later. Gratefully, we did get to spend a few days with Dad before he passed. 

I now feel enraged because of her years of lies, manipulation and cruelty to my father and us as a family. The second I think of her, her face, her words and our last interactions come flooding back, and all I feel is hatred. I want to be free and able to mourn without anger. Advice? — DADDY’S GIRL IN FLORIDA

DEAR DADDY’S GIRL: Your anger is righteous, and you have my sympathy for the death of your father under such circumstances. After being forced to interact with this toxic individual for the length of time you did, and suffering the damage she caused to your family, the quickest way to deal with these unwanted emotions would be to discuss everything with a licensed psychotherapist until they dissipate.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are separated and live apart. His brother “Greg” recently moved in with him because Greg is unable to work. Greg contributes nothing toward household expenses or food and does not pay rent. From what I understand, he receives Social Security and has only his cellphone bill to pay.

My issue is that when we go to the casino, Greg quickly drops $500 and doesn’t blink an eye. I resent that he lives off my husband and my husband allows it. I don’t know if I’m more upset with Greg taking advantage of the situation or my husband for allowing it. — RESENTFUL IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR RESENTFUL: Unless the arrangement your husband has with his brother is affecting you financially, you need to mind your own business. While it would be nice if Greg put some of his Social Security money toward household expenses, because your husband doesn’t object, the appropriate thing for you to do is to stay out of it.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.