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DEAR ABBY: I was married for 39 years to “Morris,” an alcoholic and a spendthrift. In 2010, he announced he was having an affair with his boss, and the next day he moved in with and eventually married her. I was left filled with anger and resentment, and so were my two grown boys. Eventually, we realized what a toxic environment it had been and accepted hearing from him only twice a year or so.
A few months ago, Morris’ wife died, and he has been wanting to be “friends” and a “family” again. He has no friends and has been retired more than 10 years. None of us wants to be that involved again (though he has been in AA for 10 years), but my older son, “Justin,” has begrudgingly become the recipient of his father’s multiple daily texts and emails.
Morris is lonely and depressed. We have told him to go to counseling, volunteer, take classes, etc., and Justin and I have tried to set limits. Justin just got married and wants to share the burden of their dad, but my younger son hasn’t communicated much with Morris. Justin’s wife doesn’t want Morris to disrupt their lives. Unfortunately, Morris now wants to move closer to them.
This whole mess is causing a rift between the boys. Any suggestions on how we all can handle this situation? — WEARY IN FLORIDA
DEAR WEARY: Tell your sons they are not responsible for Morris, who deserted you all for greener pastures. (Please note that I did not refer to him as their father.) You and your sons are not responsible for causing the depression Morris is now experiencing. If he needs emotional support, he can get it at the nearest AA meeting. Please do not allow him to disrupt your lives any further than he has already. Unless your recently married son disengages with Morris, it could create a serious disruption in his marriage.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter has successfully divorced her husband on paper. However, he is still living at her house. They have two beautiful children together, and he has two from a prior marriage who stay with them three nights a week. She feels bad that he doesn’t have a place to go. He wants to buy a house, but he spends all his money. We offered a downpayment, but our daughter will not allow it. How can we encourage her to set a deadline for the ex to move out? — HELPING THEM MOVE ON
DEAR HELPING: I have a thought. If you want him out of your daughter’s house, invite him to stay with you “until he gets settled.” And while you are at it, encourage your daughter to discuss the living arrangements currently in place with her attorney in case she may be incurring any financial liabilities by having him continue to live under her roof.
DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I’m adding my prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who have sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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