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DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Ever since I have known him, he has had issues with depression and anxiety. I have tried to support him through these diagnoses.
He has attempted to go to therapy several times, but he never sticks with it. Once the therapist gets to the point where they start to get into what he needs to work on, he quits. He claims no one understands what he is going through. This has impacted every aspect of his life — sleep, eating habits and his controlling attitude toward me. He also works out excessively (like five hours a day).
It has also affected his ability to enjoy life and his job. He takes a lot of time off work, claiming he needs the rest, but he doesn’t rest. He does other things. When I say he needs to go to work like everybody else, he gets mad. His employer is now on his case for excessive absences. He refuses to take responsibility and says his employer is “targeting him.” Nothing is ever his fault. There is always an excuse.
This has greatly affected our marriage and his relationships with our two children, who really want their dad around, but he is not. I am a counselor. I see narcissistic tendencies in his behavior. I love him very much, and he has not always been like this. I don’t want to quit on him, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t continue to live like this, and I need to help our children live their best lives. Please help. — LIKE A SINGLE PARENT IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR SINGLE PARENT: I am sure that, as a therapist, you realize you can’t help someone who refuses to be helped. It is time to put the welfare of your children first. Give your husband an ultimatum: Get help for his issues and stick with it, or you are leaving and taking the children with you. The atmosphere you have described is unhealthy for them and for you as well.
P.S. As I’m sure you are aware, some counselors have therapists. Please consider enlisting some emotional support for yourself as you make your way through this.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whom I love and enjoy being with. However, when we spend extended periods of time together, such as a few days on a trip, it doesn’t work well because of our personalities and belief systems. She is not aware of the struggles I have when spending more than a few hours with her and regularly invites me to go on trips with her. I have put her off a few times without telling her the truth. Is there a polite way to tell her that I’d rather not go on a trip with her? — BRIEFLY IN DELAWARE
DEAR BRIEFLY: Tell your friend that you love her and enjoy being with her, but that if it involves leaving home for any length of time it makes you “anxious.” You do not have to explain any further. You may, however, have to refrain from telling her about any travel you do with other, more compatible friends.
DEAR READERS: Happy 250th birthday to the USA! Let’s all enjoy a safe and happy Fourth of July!
P.S. Wishing a Happy Heavenly Birthday to you, Mom! — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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