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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 59 years. As he has gotten older, he has less to do to keep himself busy, and he no longer drives due to Alzheimer’s. He is now doing things inside the house without asking my opinion, including moving things around.
Abby, as the woman of the house, this has always been my role. He is now trying to take over, which irritates me no end. He washes every dirty dish even though the dishwasher is empty, and I have to watch him after I caught him washing them without soap a couple of times. Am I wrong? He has no social life anymore, and his doctor keeps suggesting he try the senior center, to no avail. What can I do? — DOMESTIC ENGINEER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR D.E.: Your husband may be trying to create order even as his organizational skills are diminishing. It would be wonderful if you could come up with some tasks he could do that don’t impinge on you. (I’m thinking things like watering the plants, taking out the garbage, sorting the laundry.)
Another thought: Why not take your doctor up on his idea and go with him to the senior center to see if it will be more palatable to your husband than going alone? It might alleviate his anxiety about going someplace where he isn’t known. If you contact the Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org), you may be able to gather more suggestions about how to keep your husband occupied.
DEAR ABBY: I have (or had) a friend I’ll call “Nick.” We were close once upon a time, but things fell apart over choices he made that hurt me deeply. Everyone agreed it was his fault.
We haven’t spoken in years because he blocked me online and in person — and last year, when we accidentally ran into each other, he told me to “go away.” He wasn’t angry or mean about it, just cold — like my presence was nothing to him anymore. He said there is no issue with me, but having me in his life isn’t good for him because of how things ended between us.
Abby, as much as everyone tells me what happened wasn’t fair to begin with, I still miss him badly. It feels stupid feeling this way over someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me. Do I keep hoping? Do I try reaching out here and there (which is hard when I’m blocked, but I know his friend group and could get in touch IF you say I should)? Or is this just one of those painful losses one must accept — that some people aren’t meant to stay forever? — FRIEND WHO STILL CARES TOO MUCH
DEAR FRIEND: I understand that you are grieving the loss of this friendship, but for your sake, quit hoping you can revive it. What you are hoping for isn’t likely to happen. This former friend has made it clear that he wants nothing more to do with you. Do not intrude upon his friend group, trying to maneuver back in, because it will not end well. As you opined in your letter, not all friendships last forever, and this appears to be one of them.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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