Dear Abby: My mother secretly buried my dad’s ashes and left me out of his final goodbye

DEAR ABBY: After many years living near and helping my parents, I moved to another state to retire. My dad died three months after I moved. I begged my mother to let me fly back and help her with his arrangements, but she insisted I stay put. 

Some weeks later, and two days after we had talked on the phone, she secretly buried my dad’s ashes without telling me. I was devastated to receive a pathetic video of her, my brother, and a priest conducting a private service. Though she won’t admit it, I think she was punishing me for moving away.

Mom is mentally ill and narcissistic, and there have been many betrayals before this one. As the eldest daughter, I appear to be her main target, and my siblings make excuses for her behavior. (My brother said, “It wasn’t my job to call you.”) It has been two years, but she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. How do I get over this? I loved my dad so much. — MISTREATED IN ARIZONA

DEAR MISTREATED: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. A step in the right direction for getting past this would be to remind yourself that your mother is mentally ill and narcissistic. It appears from what you have told me that you have always been the scapegoat in the family, which may be why your brother didn’t alert you to what your mother was planning. 

Of course you loved your father. I am sure he loved you very much. If you know where his ashes are interred, it might be a comfort to visit there. However, if you don’t know, I wouldn’t blame you for moving on with your life and spending it with people who appreciate you for the fine person you are.

DEAR ABBY: I’ve known my wife for 22 years. We had a lot of on and off during those years. The last time we got back together, we married. It’s been almost five years now. 

Recently, we had an argument that has her not wanting me to touch her. She refuses to discuss the problem. It feels like she hates me. When I asked if she wanted a divorce, she said, “I don’t know.” I don’t want to lose her, but her actions since that argument make me think it’s really over. Silence in my own house is ridiculous to me. And not even allowing me to touch her feels like she has really given up on us.

I mentioned marriage counseling, and again her response was, “I don’t know.” I feel like I should just go file for divorce, but that’s not really what I want. Please give me some advice on what to do. — BEYOND CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BEYOND CONFUSED: Tell your wife you are not willing to continue being married under the present circumstances. Then return to the subject of marriage counseling. If she is willing to go with you, ask your doctor or your health insurance company to give you a list of qualified marriage and family therapists. The two of you are at a stalemate, and without mediation, your situation won’t change.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.