Dear Abby: Should I tell my children their father’s secrets now that he’s dead?

DEAR ABBY: My late husband was ill for six years. He experienced some dementia. He wasn’t able to work, and our life together changed a lot. I focused on supporting him through his decline until he eventually ended his own life. 

After his death, I discovered several secrets. He hadn’t been honest about his medical condition, possibly out of shame or because he wanted to protect us from the seriousness. There were also secrets about his family he may have been ashamed about. He also changed his estate plan without telling me. These secrets and betrayals show he wasn’t thinking about the impact of his death upon me, and they have made me question my beliefs about our marriage. 

I know his decisions weren’t about my worth — they were about his fear, shame, illness and preoccupation with other family issues. But I can’t tell any of this to people because I want to preserve our adult children’s love and respect for their father. Also, I don’t want to deal with other people trying to understand this crazy situation. This feels so unfair, and I may never be able to trust again. Do you have any advice? — KEEPING SECRETS IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR KEEPING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. From what you have written, it seems the problems in your marriage started with the family secrets in addition to your husband’s increasing dementia. My advice is to put an end to all of those secrets now. Telling your children the truth should not make them lose respect for their late father. Whether the people in whom you choose to confide will understand is beside the point. 

What’s most important is that you free yourself from the prison of lies in which you find yourself and talk with a mental health professional if it will help you better understand how to move forward.

DEAR ABBY: My family is American, through and through. We had some European ancestors back in the Ellis Island days, but we’ve been here for generations and identify only loosely with our European heritage. That being said, my husband and I were discussing names for our future children, and I mentioned that I would love to have a son named after my great-grandfather. His name was Jacques, but it was always pronounced like “Jack.” 

If I used the name, I would want to spell it the same way to honor him, but I’d feel weird pronouncing it with a French accent when I don’t identify as French, nor do I have an accent. Is it OK to use the French spelling of a name and then pronounce it in an Americanized way? — PLANNING AHEAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR PLANNING: You are the parent, and you can call your son whatever you wish. Jacques will be his formal name if you choose to use it on his birth certificate, but he can use “Jack” if he wishes. When he starts school, don’t forget to communicate to his teachers and the administrators how his name is pronounced. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.