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Gail Rudnick and Kim Murstein — the no-nonsense hosts of hit podcast series “Excuse My Grandma” — are The Post’s brand-new advice columnists.
From family feuds to friendship fallouts, money, marriage and sex, there’s no topic too taboo to tackle, and the native New Yorkers will hash out each issue from their differing perspectives to tell the tough-love truth — and you’ll thank them for it.
To get your questions answered, head to nypost.com/ema and drop them a note about what you need sorted.
Dear Excuse My Advice,
I’m in my 50s, newly divorced, and dipping my toe back into dating. I’ve been talking to a man and we made plans for lunch and a walk. Very normal, very low pressure. Then his nanny canceled. And he asked if he could bring his kids along on what is it and what is very on what is very clearly a date. Can I say without derailing the relationship before it’s even started, or is this modern dating nowadays?
Grandma Gail: This is a first date?
Kim: Yes, they’ve just been talking up until this point.
Grandma Gail: You know, I think if it’s a first date, I honestly would say, “You know what. I’m sure your children are great, and I would love to do this, but I don’t really want to include them. And I don’t want to be included on a first date with your children.”
Kim: This is a situation where the wording matters so much.
Grandma Gail: You say it nicely then.
Kim: I think what the sentiment should be is, “Oh no problem that your nanny canceled. You spend time with them and we’ll just reschedule a date that works for both of us.
Grandma Gail: Very good answer, hun.
Kim: Thank you. Because it shouldn’t come off like, oh, I don’t want to spend time with your kids. Even if that may be true, it should come off like, this is about me and you. Let’s see if we even like each other.
Grandma Gail: And I also think it’s terrible pressure on the children. I don’t know how old they are, but if they’re little kids, all of a sudden you’re putting a third party in the mix. And I don’t think that’s advisable.
Kim: Right.
Grandma Gail: I mean, if you had been dating the person for several months, then it’s no big deal. But not on a first or even a second or third date.
Kim: And they’re asking whether this is modern dating. It’s not! I feel like this is saying, hey, we’re going on our first date, can I bring my parents?
Grandma Gail: Bring your parents. Maybe it’s not a bad idea. They’ll pay for the meal.
Kim: Exactly. But in this situation, I think you’re also in dad mode and you’re not on date mode, so you’re not going to probably even come across exactly how you want to on an early date. I just think it’s not a good idea.
Dear Excuse My Advice,
I lost my elderly mother, but life kept moving and my grief feels minimized because I’m an adult and her passing was expected. How do you grieve when the world doesn’t pause around you?
Grandma Gail: You’ll always grieve. I mean, you never forget your mother so that that’s that’s a that’s a given. It just is what it is. She was an aging woman. But it’s still a mother. And you still never will replace her with anybody else. There’s nobody that does come into that, that void. So, you know, you try the best you can. But remember the good things.
Try not to dwell on the bad for things that happened in your lives together, or the argument you might have had a month before she passed. Remember all the wonderful things that you did together and, hopefully that gets through you.
Kim: Also, if you really feel like you’re not showing up for your daily responsibilities in the way you should and you’re really struggling, I think it’s okay to say to people, “I’m grieving right now.” People will give you that pass and it’s hard because the world doesn’t stop around you. But certainly people are understanding and empathetic.
Grandma Gail: I just saw a wonderful show last night. It’s called Shrinking. I don’t know if you’ve even seen it, but she lost her mother, and she plays the the dead mother card on everything that she does. And the father was a psychiatrist. And he finally says to her, “You cannot play the dead mother card anymore, it’s two years later.”
I joke, but there is some truth there. At some point, you have to let it go. You can’t grieve openly as much, but in your heart, you always have an empty spot.
Read the full article here
