My 10-year-old daughter refuses to go to school — the ‘stressful’ diagnosis that keeps her at home

Every day started out the same. 

Sarah would wake up, get dressed in her uniform, and pack her lunch. But by the time she reached the stairs, she’d collapse. 

The 10-year-old’s body would shut down, physically unable to walk out the door.

“I didn’t realize how traumatic it was for her to keep going to school,” her mom, Lauren, told Kidspot.

“She wants to be like everybody else, but she’s constantly going into fight-or-flight.” 

“We’re made to feel like it’s our fault”

Sarah has been diagnosed with level two autism and has a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile.

Her struggle with school began in Term 2, 2024. What started as anxiety and sensory overload quickly escalated into daily meltdowns and explosive behaviors. 

Sarah hasn’t set foot in a classroom since May. In the month leading up to that, she only managed six school days. Each one following hours of emotional turmoil.

“She was sometimes okay once she got to school, but gradually over the year the mask did sort of slip,” she said.

“You don’t really realize what’s happened until they get home and they’re throwing school bags and throwing shoes and all of that stress kind of builds up and accumulates in the nervous system.” 

Sarah was triggered by unpredictable changes, sensory overwhelm from noise and busyness, and the pressure to meet a strict schedule. Even her uniform could bring on stress. 

“If the plans change… like it might just be because the teacher’s out sick and then you’ve got a substitute that you don’t know about—like things like that are really stressful,” Lauren explained. 

They attempted a school that claimed to cater for children with autism, but things didn’t go the way the single mom had hoped.  

Despite reduced classes, a relaxed uniform policy, and a modified attendance plan allowing Sarah to attend just two days a week, it was still too overwhelming.

“Some weeks she just couldn’t do it,” Lauren said. 

“Even though we agreed to the plan, it didn’t mean we could actually make it happen.” 

Then came the formal warning. 

“They sent me a letter saying, ‘You haven’t been able to stick to this modified attendance plan… the next step is to report you,’” she explained.

“It was really unkind and unhelpful.” 

She felt a deep sense of blame. 

“We’re made to feel like it’s our fault. That we’re doing something wrong. That it’s our parenting,” she pointed out. 

“By blaming us you’re just making the situation worse. You’re just stressing out parents more when we’re already stressed.” 

School refusal isn’t a new issue, but it’s getting worse for families across Australia. 

Psychologist Tanya Forster has seen it often across the 15 years of her career. 

“We know that the traditional school system has not always kept up with the inclusive needs of students today. Maybe it is time for a rethink?” Tanya told Kidspot. 

“The good news is that there are so many practical strategies that families can use. The first step is really understanding what is happening for your child and what factors might be contributing so you can figure out the best response.”  

“School wasn’t accessible to her”

Lauren made the decision that home school was the best option going forward.  

“My daughter wasn’t feeling comfortable at school. She was feeling stressed and overwhelmed. School wasn’t accessible to her,” Lauren said.  

She hopes that Sarah can use the period of homeschooling to reconnect with herself and her interests. 

“This period of homeschooling or being at home is really about letting her discover who she is and what she’s drawn to and what she’s interested in,” Lauren explained.

Lauren hasn’t completely dashed her hopes on seeing Sarah back in a school class setting. 

“I would like her to attempt to go back to school or attempt to go to high school. We just need that to be navigated in the right way,” Lauren said.