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Gail Rudnick and Kim Murstein — the no-nonsense hosts of hit podcast series “Excuse My Grandma” — are The Post’s brand-new advice columnists.
From family feuds to friendship fallouts, money, marriage and sex, there’s no topic too taboo to tackle, and the native New Yorkers will hash out each issue from their differing perspectives to tell the tough-love truth — and you’ll thank them for it.
To get your questions answered, head to nypost.com/ema and drop them a note about what you need sorted.
Dear Excuse My Advice,
I’ve started seeing someone seriously who’s outside my religion. And I’m scared to tell my family. He feels like the one. But my family expects me to marry within our faith. How do I choose between their expectations and my own happiness?
Grandma Gail: This is very, very difficult. And, I can empathize with this young man or this young woman. I do think that if you’ve been dating and you are not of the same faith, you have to introduce your partner to your family way before it gets to the point where she wants to get married.
And they have to know that they are of a different faith and they’re willing to compromise on certain things after you are in a marriage — whether you’re going to raise them in one faith or the other. But all of those things should be put out in the open, and the parents themselves have to be willing to accept it. In many cases, they don’t.
Kim: I know loads and loads of mixed marriages, interfaith couples and that really love each other and have wonderful families and history. But if not everybody is on board, I think you have to choose your own happiness. It’s very possible your parents will never think anyone is enough and you don’t want to have given up on a good person or waste time.
Grandma Gail: Correct. I’m a very strong believer that somebody you can have a wonderful man who’s Catholic or Protestant or Muslim and marry a Jewish person or whatever. And if they both respect each other’s faith, as long as they’re both respected. I do think the only thing that would matter to me would be, how are the children going to be raised?
You can do both traditions at home however you want to do it, but I think that has to be discussed. I don’t think any surprises along this particular area should come up after you’ve made the commitment. I’m serious.
If you are happy with this person, then you kind of deal with the aftermath. But an interfaith marriage can be tricky. So those things have to be discussed before you get married.
Kim: How do you bring up that conversation?
Grandma Gail: Well, I think first of all, you’re not going to talk about it unless you’re really serious. It’s the step before somebody puts a ring on your finger. So say, “Listen, hello, what are we doing with the kids? If we’re going to have a family, how are we going to raise them? What are your values?” And if you’re both in agreement, that’s fine. But if one person is not happy with the agreement that you have, that’s where the trouble comes in.
Kim: No matter which way it goes, you really have to be true to yourself, but get your parents on both sides involved and understand this is really a love affair.
I’m culturally Jewish and it’s so important to our family and to me and so changing my faith is not something I would have done. But let’s say I fell in love with someone who was of a different faith. I would try to integrate both things in my life, but I don’t think I would totally give up my own. But if I was someone who didn’t have any affiliation, then I would easily take on someone else’s.
Grandma Gail: We know so many people have and they have wonderful, wonderful marriages.
Dear Excuse My Advice,
My friend often orders extra drinks and apps just for herself, which I don’t mind until the bill comes and she wants to split it evenly. Do I have to? At what point does splitting the bill become paying for someone else’s order?
Grandma Gail: Oh, this comes up for couples as well. When one couple drinks a tremendous amount of wine when they go out for dinner and expects everybody to split the bill. But if it’s just a friend that you really, really like, I think if she does it, one’s fine. If it’s a repeat offender, before you go in for dinner, say, “Listen, I love you. I want to split the bill 50/50, but I can’t afford 4 or 5 drinks a person. So why don’t we get a different bar check? Just for the liquor and then the meal.”
Splitting is important, as you might not be drinking at all. You don’t want to have a ginger ale, and I end up paying for five glasses of white wine. Just don’t do it at the table. Do it before!
Kim: I think saying something like, it becomes really expensive when I’m not drinking. More so than, like, “I can’t afford it.” Because what if they can afford it? I think it’s more out of principle. Like, why should I be paying that?
Grandma Gail: I think even if you can afford it, it’s offensive. That you have to split the bill if they are outrageously doing it. It’s like somebody ordering caviar at dinner and you’re not having it, and then saying, “Let’s split the bill.”
Kim: Don’t you think it’s just way less awkward when everyone’s just throwing their card in and splitting it.
Grandma Gail: But then you’re paying for their drinks. So you have to say something.
Kim: The alternative is, you know, to not go out with that person. Maybe either make plans with them that aren’t dinners. I also think if you’re this person and you know, you are ordering more drinks and appetizers.
Grandma Gail: Learn something.
Kim: Make it easier on your friends and say, I’ll pay for the tip and you don’t have to put a tip down.
Grandma Gail: Or pay the wine bill.
Kim: Just be self-aware.
Grandma Gail: That’s the problem — so often these people are not as self-aware. So somebody has to say it out loud.
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