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A woman who fell in love online has shared the 36 questions her husband asked her to “help decide if he was the one” — before flying 4,800 miles to the UK to be together.
Leanne Zhang, 31, originally from Qingdao, China, met Ben Donohoe, 31, from Bury, Manchester, on a dating site in May 2020.
After a month of chatting, Ben asked Leanne to be his girlfriend, and she says whilst she appreciated the gesture, they needed to “get to know each other more.”
Ben sent over a list of 36 questions he had found online titled “36 Questions for Increasing Closeness,” and the pair got to know about each other’s lives and family values and began to connect.
After making it official a couple of months later, Ben found a job teaching English in Qingdao in September 2020, just five minutes away from Leanne’s home – but China closed its borders just as he began his visa applications due to the pandemic.
Despite waiting three months, the borders remained closed, so Leanne found a job as an intern at a charity and moved to the UK in August 2021.
Meeting for the first time at the airport, they were engaged just a week later and got married in November 2021.
They now live together in Bury, Manchester, and have two children: Malakai, two, and David, four months – who met their grandparents in China for the first time last month.
Leanne, who first shared her experience with Talk to the Press, says, “I think our love for traveling and different cultures drew us together.
“We both love different cultures – we had lived in different countries for a few years and moved on, and that was the kind of lifestyle of traveling and seeing other countries was what we wanted.
“I think the mutual feeling of being stuck and frustrated towards the situation of the pandemic was a factor too.
“He was a very reserved person when we first started chatting and didn’t show any interest at all.
“I didn’t think he was interested and was ready to move on and all of a sudden he asked, ‘When would you like to make it official?’
“I said I genuinely appreciated it and said, ‘Well, I think we need to get to know each other more.’
“Next time we chatted he went online and found a page of 36 questions – called ‘36 Questions for Increasing Closeness’ – I can’t remember the details of the questions but we got to know each other’s values, what he appreciates in life, family values and attitudes towards life and people, and that’s when we started connecting.
“His dedication to family values and love for people ultimately connected us together.”
The pair would make their relationship work with video calls despite the eight-hour time difference, often calling first thing in the morning, or just before they slept.
After he began looking to move to China to be with Leanne, Ben secured a job offer to teach English at a school in Qingdao, just five minutes away from her apartment.
Due to Covid-19 border closures, his visa application was halted.
The pair waited a while for them to reopen, but after they “didn’t see any changes,” Leanne found a job in the UK and flew over to live with Ben in August 2021.
“He couldn’t find the gate coming out of the airport,” Leanne says.
“He was supposed to surprise me with gifts and flowers and was waiting but somehow, he missed me – I saw him first and went to him.
“We were chatting to some girls at the airport who somehow figured out it was our first time meeting.
“I had no idea how they knew – I thought Ben had been talking to this girl.
“He explained he was not talking to the girls and they took a photo of us.
“It was also strange, we had talked online for a year and a half.
“I loved the Ben online but not so much the Ben in real life as I was only just getting to know the Ben in real life.
“It didn’t take me long to realize he was the same person.”
The pair were engaged just a week later, with Ben telling Leanne he was “ready” whenever she was – and had already bought the ring.
“I realized I was ready too because I’d already bought the wedding dress,” Leanne says.
“I didn’t bring it with me because I had too much stuff and it was over the weight limit.”
They were married on November 22, 2021, in an intimate ceremony with Ben’s parents and grandparents, followed by a bigger ceremony a month later with 50 family and friends.
“Time just flies,” she says.
“We couldn’t believe it’s nearly five years since we married and nearly six since we started talking online.
“I’m very grateful we met online and started talking in the first place.
“We actually just came back from China where the boys met their grandparents for the first time.”
Ben added, “I would say that Leanne and I connected immediately.
“I knew I wanted to date her from the minute we started talking.
“We made dating online fun with lots of different dates, although it was hard for us both because we wanted to be together in person.
“I was so happy when Leanne came to the UK.
“I was overjoyed when she agreed to be my wife.
“I have loved every minute of our adventure.”
The 36 questions Ben sent to Leanne:
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
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