Dear Abby: I want to be wanted but my wife isn’t interested

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 10 years. Before that, we dated for several years. We have a wonderful relationship in many ways, but we’ve never had the kind of sex life I would prefer. For a long time, we would talk about it and try to find ways to improve things. That communication at least made me feel like this was something we both wanted to improve. 

Two years ago, my wife had weight-loss surgery. Since then, our sex life has gone from bad to worse. In that time, I can count the times we’ve been intimate on one hand without using all my fingers. We also no longer talk about how we can improve things. 

Prior to the surgery, her struggle with her weight was one of the things that she cited as a (potential) cause for her low sex drive, so I was hoping things would improve. Instead, it seems like she has now lost ALL interest. I tried getting her a product that claimed to boost libido in women, but she never even opened it. It’s as if she has no interest in being interested in sex. 

I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with the situation (men want to be wanted, too), and I don’t know what to do. Help, please. — FRUSTRATED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I will be frank. I am not sure if, under these circumstances, your marriage can be saved. Tell your wife you would like both of you to discuss this problem with her doctor and ask for a referral to an endocrinologist, a physician who specializes in hormones, who may be able to help her. However, if she refuses, unless you are resigned to living the rest of your life in a sexless marriage, you may have to consider divorce.

DEAR ABBY: A former next-door neighbor and casual friend has been obliging and has assisted us several times since we moved. (We still live about 15 minutes away from her, and we have no family within a 45-minute drive.) I feel we need to express our gratitude without making it seem like a payment. 

My wife and I have been on a few extended trips each year. This former neighbor has checked in on our cats, taken in packages and harvested from our garden to enhance proper growth, etc. Of course, in the course of caring for the garden, she could keep what she harvested. But I’m beginning to feel awkward about asking her for help because that’s the only time we call on her. 

We have had dinner with her and her boyfriend at her place, about twice a year, but that’s more effort on her part. This has been the pattern for about seven years. Please, I need a suitable gift idea. — AWKWARD GIFTER IN NEW YORK

DEAR GIFTER: How about taking your former neighbor and her boyfriend out for a nice dinner? Or, host them for dinner at your home, offer them tickets to a concert or a play, or bring her back a gift from your travels. I am sure she and her boyfriend will appreciate the thoughtful gesture. 

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.