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DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man. My husband, “Isaac,” and I have been together for 21 years, married for nine. I’m having challenges with his sister. Over these 21 years, I have observed that any decisions involving their family gatherings and vacations are strictly determined by his sister, with no consideration given to whether the time, location, etc., works for Isaac.
Adding insult to injury, when he has expressed hesitation or a desire to do something else, his parents step in and pressure him to do what his sister wants. Their mother once even stated, “It’s just easier to do what your sister wants.” While this might sound cute to some, Isaac and his sister are in their 50s.
Over the years, Isaac and I have had special traditions with his parents, but the sister and her family managed to insert themselves until she eventually took over all decision-making. I have tried to explain to him how unfair it is that he hasn’t received equal treatment and consideration, but he wants to avoid conflict.
In my opinion, this is happening because he and his sister were raised this way, and I find that so wrong. I’m at a point where I will likely refuse to go on another family vacation unless he is allowed to decide everything, as his sister has always done. But I know it will create stress. Please help! — OVERRULED IN FLORIDA
DEAR OVERRULED: Sometimes it takes an outsider to observe the entire picture. As you stated, Isaac’s family likely established this dynamic from the time he and his sister were quite young. As distasteful and unfair as you find it, it continued because of your husband’s unwillingness to confront the unfairness and draw the line. Until he does, nothing will change. Because you are no longer willing to accept the status quo, you are within your rights to make other plans, establish other traditions and encourage Isaac to do the same. When you do, be prepared for it to cause an uproar.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend ditched me for someone else because they were cool and popular. Now she won’t talk to me or stand up for me. We have been best friends our whole lives, and now I feel like we are going separate ways. She claims she doesn’t feel the same, although she obviously does. I need your help, Abby. What should I do? — TROUBLE IN FRIEND ZONE
DEAR TROUBLE: Don’t beat yourself up. This happens to all of us. I know it’s painful, but one of life’s important lessons is that not all friendships last forever — as much as we might wish they did. The time has come for you to start learning to stand up for yourself, and an effective way to do that is to involve yourself in activities you enjoy in which you can make new friends. All you have to do is start with one. If you do that, you may find someone who needs a friend as much as you do.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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