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Susan Proctor had always considered herself a kind, good-natured woman. But somewhere in her mid-30s, she became someone she hardly recognized.
“Mad mom. That’s literally how I would describe myself back then,” Proctor told The Post.
Suddenly, everyday stresses were like emotional landmines — with even the smallest annoyances capable of triggering bursts of rage aimed at those she loved most, followed by waves of regret.
“I would wake up angry for no reason at all,” she said. “My kids would be like, ‘OK, mom’s angry, let’s all run. Let’s dodge her bullets. We’re going to hide right now.’”
Proctor, now 62, knew about menopause, but not perimenopause — the hormonal transition that can begin years before a woman’s final period, triggering a cascade of physical and emotional symptoms.
“I was from an era where my parents didn’t even prepare me for sex ed, let alone this,” Proctor said. ” I didn’t even know what I wasn’t happy about. I just wasn’t happy. It was very strange to feel that way.”
She’s far from alone. Research suggests about 40% of women experience mood-related symptoms during the menopause transition, with many reporting what experts now call “perimenopause rage.”
“It is not just ‘being moody,’ and it is not a personality flaw. It is a very real symptom tied to the hormonal upheaval of perimenopause,” explained Michelle Sands, a licensed naturopathic physician and holistic menopause specialist.
The emotional toll often comes before anything else.
“For many, the first signs are emotional and neurological,” Sands said. “Estrogen and progesterone directly affect neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine and GABA, so when hormone fluctuations begin, women can suddenly feel emotionally unlike themselves.”
It’s an experience Proctor knows all too well.
“I felt crazy in the head because I didn’t feel normal and I didn’t understand what was going on,” she said. “I hadn’t been like that a few years ago.”
When mom became a stranger
The whirlwind of confusion and anger would stretch on for nearly a decade — and nobody in the Proctor household was spared.
Her rage was worst in the two weeks before her period, which was now arriving erratically. Her sons learned to see it coming, scattering at the first signs. And her fury was only part of it.
“The last thing you want to hear from your husband is, ‘Oh, it must be your hormones.’ Like, I’m already mad, I will bark and bite you.”
Susan Proctor
“Suddenly, I would have these hot flashes that felt like there was a volcano erupting under my skin,” Proctor said. Then there was the brain fog, night sweats and weight gain. A former competitive figure skater, she saw a dip in her self-esteem.
“It was almost like I was a dog walking around with my tail in between my legs,” she said.
All prickles and thorns
As time went on, cracks began to form in her marriage.
“I didn’t have an understanding husband — a lot of women don’t — and the last thing you want to hear from him is, ‘Oh, it must be your hormones.’ Like, I’m already mad, I will bark and bite you,” she said.
The tension seeped into the bedroom too.
“I was losing my entire sense of womanhood. Then you throw in a little vaginal dryness and not desiring sex, and that becomes a problem, because it’s what men think about probably 10 times a minute,” she said with a laugh.
Eventually, it wasn’t just her who wasn’t in the mood.
“If you’re barking and criticizing him all of the time, he starts avoiding you,” she said.
At home, she began putting herself in self-imposed “time-outs” to avoid lashing out. Soon she felt disconnected, withdrawing from activities at church and in her community.
“I became very alienated because I was all prickles and thorns, and no one wanted to be around me,” she said. “I really felt alone.”
Proctor sought help from multiple doctors, but was repeatedly told she was simply going through a phase of life — with no clear explanation of what was happening or how to treat it. Her friends in a similar boat had no solutions, either.
This was nearly 30 years ago, but Sands said it’s a reality patients are still experiencing today.
“While awareness around menopause has improved, many women are still dismissed, misdiagnosed or
told their symptoms are simply stress, aging, anxiety or ‘just part of being a busy mom,’” she said.
“I hear stories every week from women who were prescribed antidepressants, sleep medications or anti-anxiety drugs before anyone even evaluated whether fluctuating hormones could be contributing to what they were experiencing.”
“I look at women that are being a real B and I think to myself, maybe they’re struggling with some of the symptoms I had and don’t know what to do.”
Susan Proctor
With no answers and no support, Proctor’s marriage buckled under the weight of it all. Her husband had an affair.
“I wasn’t being the wife, in his eyes, that he thought I should be,” she said. “It’s hard to tell, placing blame, but maybe it did lead him straight to other women.”
It’s a pattern Sands said she sees often. The menopause transition, she explained, can place an “enormous” strain on even stable relationships.
“While menopause itself is not the sole cause of divorce, it often acts as a magnifying glass for existing relationship issues,” Sands said. “In one survey examining menopause and relationships, roughly 70% of women reported that menopause symptoms contributed to marital strain or breakdown.”
But it doesn’t have to end that way.
“I’ve also seen relationships become stronger when couples understand that menopause is not a character flaw or personal failing,” Sands said. “Education, communication and proper support can dramatically change the dynamic.”
Finding her way back
After years of white-knuckling her way through the worst of it, Proctor finally found help through Sands, founder of Glow Natural Wellness.
For the first time, someone explained what was actually happening in her body — and more importantly, what to do about it.
Sands prescribed a combination of synthetic hormones, including progesterone, estrogen and dehydroepiandrosterone, which stimulates testosterone production, and worked with Proctor to overhaul her lifestyle.
“Bioidentical hormones, eating healthy, exercising, trying to reduce stress, not control others and being kind to myself was definitely a solution for me,” she said.
Today, Proctor is a grandmother and personal trainer helping other women navigate the change of life, after officially entering menopause at age 58. She has been divorced for 14 years and says she finally feels like herself again.
“I’ve come a long way, and I want to give that encouragement to others,” she said. “I look at women that are being a real B and I think to myself, maybe they’re struggling with some of the symptoms I had and don’t know what to do.”
It’s a perspective that took years of strife to gain — and one she hopes others can avoid reaching through anguish.
“I’ve really learned that I don’t have to live with not feeling well,” Proctor said. “We deserve to look and feel our best.”
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